he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
