just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
