Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
