as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
We have so much sex to catch up on
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Randomize