bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
