I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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