I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
