a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
