maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
