I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
