NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
