this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
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