I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
She said her name was "party"
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
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