They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I will pee on everything he values.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Randomize
