Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize