i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
