all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize