and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Randomize
