You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
