My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Randomize
