He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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