When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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