My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
