While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Randomize
