so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
