There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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