Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize