I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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