I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
