Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
We left the knife in your bed.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
