Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
