walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
