remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
