So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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