Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Randomize
