Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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