stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
