Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I did not marry a roomba.
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