I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
