Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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