hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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