how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
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