The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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