I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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