They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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