she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
