Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
