Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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