you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
