the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
